Autism is Not My Friend Today

I found this gem of a post that I had written May 31, 2013 and never posted...it is very long, and way more detailed than the average person cares...but it was a gem to read last night almost 5 years later.

My day started like any other light shining in my window during the 5am hour, kids climbing into bed with me well before 6am.  When the really woke up I have no idea, I was so exhausted I just turned over and went back to sleep.  I vaguely remember hearing water running, which means John wet his bed again and Paul must have put him in the bathtub.  At 6:05 Paul comes in and asks if I am going to come and pray with the family before he heads out to work.  I get out of bed with a horrible headache, grab some Tylenol before I stumble to the living room where I sit half awake while we pray and read scriptures.  Paul headed out the door for work and I decided I better get moving.  John is racing cars all over the entry way while the girls are playing with Strawberry Shortcake, Pet-shops and Lollaloopsies in the little village they created yesterday in the piano room.  Jacob is still sleeping.  As everyone appears to be paying nicely I decide I will go and get dressed.  I return to John becoming more impatient with life.

I opt to ask if he wants a track to race his cars so we can play together until Jacob wakes up.  He refuses to get the tracks for me.  I get the tracks and make the track for him, a nice long one leading from a steep ramp, just what he asked for.  This is when all hell started to break loose.  He wanted masking tape to tape his track together, often we will do this to keep the track from breaking.   I send him to find the tape in the normal places the tape is kept.  It’s not there and a meltdown is building inside this little boy.  I look and can’t find the tape either.  I suggest that we race the cars without taping and my idea is received with great resistance a few cries of frustration and eventually laying on the ground crying.

I decide it is time to eat, it’s only 7am, in hopes to distract the issue.  Sarah refuses to eat because there is nothing she “likes”.  John wanted oatmeal, so I make him a big bowl because he is acting very hungry.  He takes four or five bites and says he is full.  At some point around now Jacob wakes up and needs to eat.  Rachel helps by getting him out of bed and holding him until I am done eating.  I sit on the coach to feed Jacob.  John gets Connect Four out of the closet and begins to roll the pieces around the floor. I encourage him to pick up the cars before he plays but am only met him screams.  Normally we have “sensory time” outside after breakfast but that had to be delayed because Jacob woke up. 

I was able to persuade John to get dressed at some point.  He is still distraught about his track not having tape.  He whines about cleaning up the cars by himself. Elizabeth agrees to help him but John just has to do the first car. I feel my patience flying out the window all the while I sit and nurse Jacob.  My frustration mounting because I cannot help John because I need to help my baby.  I feel like I have absolutely no control over my children and the chaos surrounding me.  I am just grateful the girls are playing nicely, and I cry as Jacob looks in my eyes while he eats and smiles. John is still not cooperating, so I ask him to come and talk to me.  In course of the conversation of trying to help John understand that we need to clean up one toy before we get out another he chooses to talk back to me and primal instincts take over and his little mouth get slapped.  Oh the screaming that ensued, you would think I had given the child a “good ol’ southern whoopin’”.

Jacob is finally done, Elizabeth and John were able to get the cars cleaned up and now John is racing Connect Four circles down the hot wheels track.  I hand Jacob to Rachel and take John outside for some much needed sensory time.  John and I ride scooters around the track and swing. I come in for a brief drink and to get Elizabeth and Sarah to unload the dishwasher.  After playing 5 little monkeys swinging in the tree, we head to the trampoline to jump for 5 or so minutes.  I head inside, thankfully the girls are still playing nicely and they are taking great care of Jacob.  John follows me in only to freak out that his sisters are playing Connect Four, those circles were his apparently and he expected them to still be scattered all over the entryway just how he left them.  I ask him to take some deeps breaths, to try closing the door softly and I feel my patience gone!  I attempt to teach John the appropriate way to get his game back.

While he waits for the game we go and comb his hair and brush his teeth.  He yells about not being able to find his tooth brush that is right there in plain sight.  He has to fill his rinsing cup before he even starts brushing . . . he fills it to overflowing and then sets it on the counter, he is upset because I am trying to attempt to teach him the appropriate way to take care of things in the bathroom and squirts out at least an inch of tooth paste from the tube, I grab it from him, and oh, boy the screaming starts all over again.  When he screams, his eyes fill with water and squint to little slits (it reminds me of Anakin Skywalker and he is headed to the dark side).

I don’t know what else to do, so I grab him by the hand and lead him to his room, find his body sock ask him to get inside.  Tell him he is going back to bed. I get protests of it being day time.  I lay him on his bed still in his body sock, go and find a heavy blanket, lay it on him close the door and leave.  All this and it is barely 8:30am. I send the girls outside so John can sleep.

It’s quiet, I can calm down and I am overwhelmed by guilt by not handling this episode perfectly.  Wishing that I had more patience, wishing that John was different than who he is, thankful that my girls were doing good this morning, feeling guilty that John takes so much time, attention and my energy that there is none left for them, guilty for having another baby to take me away from what I have to give to John and what he needs so desperately and leaving even less to attend to the girls.  Wishing that the struggles would just go away.  Then I just cry and cry while I wash my face and do my hair while Jacob so sweetly plays on a blanket in my room.  I know I have the strength to do this, my brain knows the Lord will not give me more than I can handle, but in mornings like these I don’t feel the desire to bravely face my challenges.

Unfortunately this morning is not an isolated event but rather something I deal with regularly. Autism is not my friend today.  I have high hopes that a nap will do wonders, for John, and this afternoon will be better. . . until there is something else that doesn’t go as he had planned.

Well, almost 5 years later, I read this and thought, Wow! How did I survive? But somehow I made it through and everyone is still alive.The crazy hectic everyday of a new baby & 4 elementary school age children. Then I laughed as I realized somethings haven't changed...John still has crazy meltdowns about cleaning up & screaming if things don't go as he planned, I still "loose it" now and then, and cry from being overwhelmed and all that is expected of me. But somehow I made it through the last five years which gives me strength to carry on for another 5!