Real

I stumbled upon this post that I wrote over a year ago...I wasn't ready to post it at the time because it was very emotional to write. As I reread it just now, it still is very emotional for me, because...well...I am opening my heart for all to see. I seek no comfort, or encouragement by being so transparent but instead seek to give hope & encouragement to others that they are not alone.

Last weekend at a women’s conference at church I went to a class on journaling. One of the purposes of keeping a journal or of writing down things about our lives is so that one day our posterity can learn about us. They mentioned to remember to keep things positive. I have thought about that advice and I have come to realize that I do not want to give my posterity the false idea that my life experiences were all perfect, happy & full of roses or that I faced all of life’s challenges with continued optimism & humility. Instead I want my posterity to know that I was a “real” person; that I felt “real” emotions when faced with struggles & weaknesses.

I have been raised in a family, society & culture that has taught me to put on a smile and give the persona that everything is great at all times, in all things & in all places. Despite what you may be feeling on the inside you get dressed, comb your hair, brush your teeth, put on your big girl panties & go about your day as if you have it all together. My experience has taught me that that is what the vast majority of other people have been taught as well. My experience has taught me that it is not socially acceptable to be “real”. The society & culture that I live in does not want to see “real” they prefer to hear the “We’re doing good, nothing new” response to life. 

But for a few “thankful moments” I am going to step out of the “we’re doing good” mode and into the “keeping things real” mode in hopes that one day someone in my posterity may find comfort amidst life’s chaos…so here goes…

Being the parent mother of a special needs child is a very lonely place to be!  Brace yourself because this is what  my “real” looks like:

Having no one to leave him with so Paul & I can go on a date, be gone for the day or go out of town to celebrate our anniversary.

Spending an entire family get together with him in the other room playing with cars because the noise, unpredictability of the room of people is over stimulating while all the other family members are having a good time.

Not being invited as a family over to others homes for a social gatherings.

Finally being invited to a summer get together with mom’s & kids only to find that the noise of the bounce house in the backyard is painful to his ears, so we go inside to see if he can play with a couple of the boys. But unfortunately when John asked if he could play, the boys said no & closed the door…so we had to leave.

Him asking, “When do I get to have a friend over?” or “When do I get to go to a friend’s house?” because the truth is he has no friends.

And when there is a child or parent kind and brave enough to invite him to a birthday party either I get to go along only to see that the other boys don’t acknowledge his presence or I send him alone only to have the mom call because the chaos of the party is too much and I arrive to discover him in tears.

Not being able to have Paul around for the fun birthday parties I throw for the girls because he has to take John out of the house to avoid the chaos & noise of a house full of little girls.

Not having anyone to talk with about a tough a challenging day. Not having anyone to share his accomplishments with.

Others telling me “what a sweet boy he is” hours after I experienced the tantrum to beat all tantrums, complete with throwing objects directed at me & telling me how horrible I am.

Some would say to me it doesn’t matter what others think but life’s experiences have taught me that the comments and actions from others often hurt deep enough that it leaves a scar that reminds me to avoid those types of situations in the future..

While John is having a meltdown hearing someone say, “If that was my child I would….” And this from a family member who was a guest in our home.

Being in the middle of sharing my apprehension about an upcoming event and how others would respond to John only to have the other person completely change the subject.

While being at a track meet he is quietly blowing bubbles to calm himself down after hearing the starting gun go off only to have a parent stop me and tell me that he can’t be blowing bubbles because the bubbles may get into the runners eyes. Are you kidding me…. (We are at the tippy top of the cement bleachers, if a bubble were to be able to travel the distance & change in altitude to the track it would be a miracle)

Hearing someone talk about their autistic cousin as being a burden or referring to their niece as, “well, she is autistic” as they explain them coming to visit and the inconvenience it was going to be.

Being a mother of an special needs child is a VERY lonely place! 

So I put on my big girls panties, a smile, and dish out kindness and politeness because being the mother of a special needs child is just all “too real”.