My Unexpected Journey . . .

- April 02, 2015

I began a journey 9 years ago . . I did not know I would be headed off on a journey when we learned I was pregnant with baby #3. . .we only knew we were adding another baby/kiddo to our little family; after all, previous to me conceiving Elizabeth had been praying and asking Heavenly Father for a baby brother.

But oh, what a journey it has been . . .

Shortly after John received a diagnosis of Autism almost 3 years ago, I became pregnant with baby #5. Somewhere amidst all the hormones & exhaustion of pregnancy I lost my passion & drive to fight the fight for John. I never let him flounder but my prayers and hope within my heart changed dramatically. Instead of praying for strength to face the challenge of the world of Autism, I began to pray to please just take it all away! I was done! I fell into the trap of wanting and wishing John were "normal" (a typical child).

As I sunk into wishing for what I didn't have I saw very clearly just how "different" he was from the "typical" children his age. I saw just how "different" he saw, viewed and experienced the world around him. My heart ached for him, as I saw how hard he had to work to navigate "normal". I wanted his struggle & frustration taken away.

During this time, we felt directed to discontinue all of his therapy services other than what he received at school. Paul & I took it upon ourselves to take their place. We did not, and do not, claim to be professionals in the world of Autism but we felt what John needed more than hours of therapy a week was a few hours of quality time with Mom or Dad, mostly Dad as by now I had a newborn to attend to.

Slowly, I began to see John is a different light.

I began to marvel and appreciate the slower pace in which he viewed the world.

I began to appreciate the tender heart he has.

I began to accept that my house would always look like a toy box exploded.

I realized that if when he gets home from a long hard day at school he wants to roll toys across the floor aimlessly or he wants to shred a ream of paper into tiny bits only to watch them float to the floor, let him.

And I am learning what it means when the scriptures say, "A soft answer turneth away wrath."

John has made huge strides in the last year or so. However, I would say I am the one who has made the most progress. I am learning to accept my son for who he is. I realized just how far I have come when recently I was being interviewed by a college student who is majoring in Special Education. She asked me what my biggest concerns are for John? What are his biggest struggles? When I went to answer her I was surprised that my list was very short. I told her, "If you had asked me that a year ago I would have had a long list, but I am currently in a place where I view what were once "issues", to not be such a big deal anymore." I couldn't believe I just said that . . . I have come to terms with things and realized my once "concerns" "issues" and/or, John's "quirks", are in reality our families "normal".

I am truly on an unexpected journey.

A journey filled with determination & hope.